when i was two years old, my mommy gave birth to my brother, erik. i'm sure in an effort to "help" her, she told me i was the big sister in charge of him. BIG mistake. i now have the feeling every now and then that i should be in charge of other things, and i start to make lists in my head of what i'd change about whatever it is i'm thinking about. so, without further adieu, i present, a list of things i'd change about sports.

*ncaa football playoffs
all right, so people have been talking about this a lot the last season, but erik and i have always thought this was a great idea. they have it in division II, and it works great there!! they could do it for division I as well and still have each game sponsored (or the last ones) if college football whines about it.

*playoff commentators
on the subject of the playoffs, one thing that really bothers me when i'm watching any sport is the commentators. they get two lame dudes who i've never heard of to talk about two teams they know little about. they generalize all their comments, talk only about two of the good players from each team, and will flip-flop for who they're rooting for. i think there should be a happy marriage here. i'm talking about one commentator from each team's media group. and they have to take turns talking about the game. i think it would make for a more interesting game because both are a little biased which will make for some colorful moments, and they know who the random guys are. no more, "oh, great catch by number 86!!" :)

*i'm sorry notes/timeout corner
sometimes when i'm watching football, i'll shout at a player that he needs to go in the timeout corner. this is usually for really bad personal fouls, or when someone is just not focused on the game. i think that a player has to cool off for mean plays and sit in the timeout corner. for really bad plays, they have to sit and write an "i'm sorry" letter, too.

*drugs
okay, really, a zero tolerance here. testing ALL the time, and pretty much one chance after you've tested positive for something until you're banned for life. FORever. and all your stats will be erased.

*more respect for kickers
i don't know why, but i love 'em. ever since i was a little girl, i've always wanted to be a kicker in the nfl. they get so little respect for what they do. true, all they do is kick a ball, but when the game is on the line, i'd like to see more respect to go to the guy who got those last points for the win, than the quarterback who was having trouble throughing anything in the endzone. kickers are either not respected, or teased for chocking on a game-winning field goal. i think they need more hugs and high-fives for points they get.

*hockey rules
i have a theory that americans don't like hockey because they're stupid. i think it takes someone with an active brain to watch what's going on because the pace is so fast. but honestly, it's not that hard to understand!! there's just a lot of movement involved. no pauses like in baseball between pitches, or in football as refs move the ball up the field. for god sakes, the line changes are as the puck is moving. moving, moving, moving. i think they should have hockey clinics so people can figure out what the hell is going on, and finally enjoy the best fucking game in the world. even the calls are easy to figure out; guess what a two-line pass is??

*sportswriters
there are probably only a handful of people who write about sports i'm not talking about. but for everyone else, listen up. you are NOT, i repeat, NOT allowed to comment on things you saw on a replay or know nothing about. for example, todd bertuzzi. almost everyone who wrote articles about what an animal he was after his hit on moore is a retard. first, were any of them paying attention to the last time vancouver played colorado?? most likely not, because if they did, they'd know that moore gave nasland a concussion and NO penalty was assesed to him. of course bertuzzi is going for retribution in the next game. and it wasn't him that caused damage to moore, it was colorado's players landing on him to get bertuzzi off that hurt him the most. in closing, if you don't know the details or previous incidents, specific stats about a team/game/player, you're not allowed to write about it. oh, and sportswriters are not allowed to comment on whiney players. nobody likes to hear about them (i.e., t.o.) so just drop it already.

*forward progress
this is one of the stupidest rules in football. i don't care that a player got to the 10 yard line. i care that he ended up 5 yards back. if he isn't smart enough to drop to his knees, or doesn't have anyone pushing him forward (think rugby) then he doesn't deserve the closest spot.

*batting gloves
batters CANNOT keep adjusting their gloves inbetween each pitch. baseball is slow enough. if you stop to adjust, i'll ban them.

*knee down in ncaa football
this is so lame. i hate that when a receiver has been running down the field at full blast, but trips over his own feet. if nobody is around, that's where they spot the ball. i feel like i'm watching a high school game because it gets so slow for this rule.

*locker rooms with cameras
okay, so i'm kidding on this one. sort of. just seeing if you made it through the list. :)